"The only thing i ever thought i was good at was loving you."
-
and just like that you took
that away from me
(via reminds)
(via shatteredribs)
I don’t know how to start, so I’ll just say everything that comes to my head. It been one rough year and I know I haven’t made it easy. I took it to a point, where you feel you’re better without me. I finally got the one thing that I wanted and I blew it. I let so much things from my past get the best of me. You tried to take on everything that I was giving but it was too much. I put too much on you. I just want to say that I love you and I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry that I didn’t turn out to be the person I should have been. I’ve loved you since I was 16, you’ve been my everything. I know there is no choice but to walk away, I need to work on me and you also need to do the same. My heart is broken and I feel lost. I’m going to work real hard on getting myself better and I’m going to trust whatever it is that brings us together. I still believe you were made for me and I was made for you. We just keep doing it at the wrong time. So I’m telling you this one more time. Make sure you find your way back to me; I don’t care if your 80 by then, I don’t care. Make your way back to me because my arms are your home. I love you with my whole being. I promise you next time I will get it right and if it doesn’t come… I’ll still be waiting in our next life time. I love you babe and as you see, I don’t care if the whole world knows it. I’m sorry for the stress, drama. All I ever wanted was to love you. I’ll keep moving forward because my heart has hope. One day you will come back and we will live happy ever after. Until then… like I’ve told you before, if you feel lonely, sad or hurt, go to our special spot. the moon and I’ll be waiting for you. You can always catch me there, waiting for you…
It doesn’t feel weird to wake up without you anymore. Sometimes I feel terrible, sometimes fantastic, but it doesn’t depend on you anymore. I can take as much time as I want in the morning - I can choose to get dressed as fast or slow as I want to and I can run out the door without having to pull you with me. My glass of water is mine only and is not emptied by somebody else.
But as you can see, I think about you.
But still… not.
I think about the person you were when I still had the energy to love you and you still hadn’t crushed us. You were so damn egoistic when you treated yourself like shit. You never understood that we were bound together in the heart and that I was just as hurt as you when you threw yourself around like garbage. The concrete tore up both our bodies. Not just yours.
I don’t think about who you are today. I don’t miss the one you probably are now. I don’t miss who you wanted to be or become.
Sweet you is missing. Gorgeous you. Handsome you. Annoying you. Restless you. Easily embarrassed you. Cuddly you. Morning moody you. Giggling you. Loving you. Real you! Everything you were, with all the negative and annoying behavior you brought with you.
On the inside, you never were something negative. I don’t know whom you gave the right to change your personality, but it never really fit with the person I loved so sincerely. You changed shape, in some way. Became somebody else from time to time. Someone I didn’t love at all.
Hell, I was so sick of you. And of me.
Maybe mostly of me. I disliked us so much in the end. Everything was so hard.
Only a few things were beautiful. Most things were just so damn ugly. And me! Angry, mad, cranky, sad, hurt, sarcastic, mean. I was everything that I’m not. And full of despair. So terribly full of despair, like I’d never been before.
For five years, my home was in your arms.
I love my life. Yes, I actually do. Despite everything. And can you believe it - I love my life even though you’re not here with me!
I confess that I occasionally still feel like I’m dying when I realize that we’re no longer… you know… Us. I can never deny that you were my other half. Neither can I deny that you’re missing.
I nevertheless think that I now finally, finally, finally have reached the point where I want to leave you behind. I want to move on. I want to go on with my life. I want to look out ahead without seeing you everywhere, all the time.
It’s going to take some time before I finally will, but I’ve taken a step in the right direction.
I want to move on now. And that’s what’s important.
But damn.
Damn, I loved you so much.
Damn, I always will.
And damn…
The pain is never going to go away.
This is so hard for me to express, but at the same time it’s killing me inside, so here I go…
My boyfriend and I have near a year and a half together, everything was perfect until the worst happened. When I was introduced to his family and we spent time together, all of us, it was cool. Unfortunately, his younger brother, who’s also my age, and I became close friends. His brother studies the same major I do, and as time passed I realized that wasn’t the only thing we have in common. The three of us used to hang out, a lot, so I couldn’t help but noticing how different both of them were. I’m not really sure how this happened but I came to the point where I convinced myself that his brother was kinder than my boyfriend. When I arrived to that point, his brother and I started spending some more alone time together. My boyfriend constantly thought that everything I care about was shallow, but his brother did not think so, we shared the same interests. My boyfriend is afraid of almost everything (and so am I), but his brother is fearless… and that is one of the coolest things about him. I think of him as a bright mind, and my boyfriend doesn’t even wanna go to college, he has already dropped once. His brother and I share the passion for the same fruits and vegetables, my boyfriend hates them both.
I realized, that sometimes he wanted to make physical contact, like touching my hands or huggin’ me just because, and I tried to look cool when that kind of things happened, but I wasn’t cool about it. He always waited for me outside my classroom, so it kinda made my friends wonder. Some of my not so close friends thought he was my boyfriend. It got worse on my birthday, he asked what I wanted him to wear, so I told him. That day, I was kind of upset so my boyfriend tried to comfort me. But when his brother came, with just one look he knew how upset I was. His brother and I ate a piece of cake out of the same plate, and I’m sure I felt he caressed my hand. He also hugged me a lot, and told my boyfriend I was his, of course my boyfriend get a little bit upset, but that was it. There’s always and excuse for him (and me) to touch hands, and I’m not sure where this is all going. My relationship with my boyfriend it’s just not the same, sometimes I feel we’re just two worlds apart. His brother has never had a girlfriend, of friend with benefits or anything in his life, it kinda makes him more interesting. One time he told me that we should have met before, and I started wondering. Staring at him, listening to him is beyond real. I really don’t know what to do, maybe I’m just exaggerating things, but all I know is how I wanted to stop time at the very same moment he’s hugging me or touching my hands. I’m not a bad person I just happened to fall for the wrong guy.
If anyone has and advice for me please, let me know, cuz its one of the worst feelings.
It’s amazing what I put the one I love through.
Honestly.
I’m so sorry, sweetheart.
I’m fine, and all of a sudden my insecurities are touched, and C the Bitch comes out to play.
And I know I’m not the first to realize that getting so near-and-dear in a relationship suddenly brings out the worst in you. Is it really the worst? Or is it that your significant other suddenly has access to your greatest hopes and fears? Oh, how often you’re split! How you throw your shoulders back, taking poised steps, oozing with appeal, and in the same day sob into your pillow and hold your middle and scorn your belly fat, completely itching to be outside of your own skin.
Now, you’ve slowly given over to letting that person in, letting him in, letting him in, ‘til all in one instant you realize he has access to your very tender heart. The inner workings of your brain are now laid open for him to dissect. And strangely, he is still there. Through all your tumultuous mood swings and honest-to-god shit.
And then you wonder (maybe YOU don’t, ye reader, but I sure do…) when the day will come that he will discover something that he actually can’t handle. Maybe the way you, American girl, twirl your pasta around your fork (instead of poshly and precisely twisting it into a spoon) will finally push him over the edge of insanity. Maybe one day the cute accent in which you pronounce the not-quite-yet familiar German vocabulary will no longer be as adorable as he thinks it is now.
Maybe one day he’ll realize that all the things from your past are always, always going to be there. Maybe not in the room, sitting haughtily on your couch and laughing as you try to have a genuine and fresh conversation. Maybe not in the field overlooking the city sunset as you whisper sweet things. But sometimes they come walking around the corner when you least expect them. Sometimes they turn up in familiar old smells and sporadic old songs and childhood rooms. And then, lady. Then you are done for. They never call and warn you of their short and slicing visit. You´ll bleed and bleed for days. Sooo slowly, that scab forms. And they laugh bitterly, those songs and smells and rooms, because they know there is nothing you can do about the surprise damage to your person. You don´t want to have to always be prepared for the storm.
And I forgot, until a few days ago, how being in a relationship means one is now responsible for how her actions and emotional release of inhibition so directly affect the mien of her companion.
I don’t like to be this way.
I’m not the vulnerable type, though I feign it quite easily. I’m open, very open! But only to a certain extent, that I can control. Love is letting go of that control and jumping off that cliff without a parachute. It’s a beautiful and terribly scary thing. He can’t promise never to hurt me. He’s human. He can’t promise never to leave~ one day, someday, maybe sooner but hopefully later, death will take both of us. He can’t promise me security and stability, though we both have dreams of what this life could be. He can promise me tomorrow as much as I can promise never to get in a car accident. Oh, but I want him here with me forever…
Why do I feel like, I am too happy? That the only reason I am happy is because it isn’t going to last?
I asked you that, the other day…and you said “shh, shhh, mein Sonnenschein. I’m looking ahead and all I know is that there’s you and me, and it’s bright and beautiful.”
Life with you will be far too short.
I don’t really care if anyone sees this or not, it’s not really the kind of thing to get published. I just had to say it- I’m in love. That’s it, just love! And he doesn’t know, and he can’t know. The consequences our relationship would create I’m savy enough to understand, and God knows what he thinks of me day to day since I’m so much younger and dumber, but I don’t care. I’m past caring. Every little ambiguous feeling of doubt that hung around, that still has reason to hang around, is slowly being dismantled because I realize the truth. Ego rem intellecto. If I could scream it on rooftops I would. And I want him to know because if he points out one more guy or girl that I should date I think it might come out anyway.
I want you. It is you! and I think it’s only ever going to be you. Not in that ‘I’ll never find anyone else’ sort of way, but I’ll never find anyone as interesting, intelligent, witty, funny and perfect for me again. Sometimes I just stare in wonder, and you see it, and look at me like I’m crazy. But you don’t understand how crazy I am for you. No one knows. No one needs to know. I’m up and I’m down and in and out and I’ve realized I don’t want it any other way. It’s you. It’s always been you. I loved you before I knew you. Yes, it happens, even if we’re not together.
This isn’t a good story, you’re just that person I talk to and can’t touch. The one who I’ll either marry or think about when I’m marrying someone else. I don’t necessarily know what true love is, but you’ve got the rhythm that matches mine. Turn around one day and let me know if you see me too